primalmommy on mon 14 oct 02
I have waded through a few endless, painful depressions in my life,
mostly hormone related (puberty, pregnancy, postpartum, weaning...) I
remember telling a friend what a relief it is to past that whole hormone
roller coaster and she smiled and said "welcome to menopause"...
It's exhausting to try to figure out whether a persistent worry, loss of
focus, bout of insomnia or general weepiness is due to pms, world
events, blood sugar, family problems, thyroid, money trouble,
depression, etc... I just kind of run out the options for a logical
assessment when I seem to be overreacting to something. Sometimes ya
gotta listen to your own internal moderator, who can refuse to post some
obviously irrational fear, or make you bite your tongue before blowing
up at your husband...
I know for a fact that when the days start getting shorter, I have to
work hard to stay happy. A lot of my sanity has always come from the
natural world, and the fact that a hard freeze last night wiped out all
my garden veggies except those I tented in plastic ... well, it's hard
to deny the inevitability of winter, however much I might revel in apple
picking, pumpkin baking, and endless kid projects involving bright
colored leaves.
I buy full spectrum lights from the FLAX catalog every fall. They aren't
cheap but they last 'til next summer. Big hundred-watters. I put them
over the table where the kids do school/artwork, next to my bed so I can
flip one on and read in the still-dark morning. One in the studio, one
at Jeff's reading chair, one in the kitchen, one in the bathroom. You
could land a damn airplane in here, it's so bright. It really seems to
help. I also painted my kitchen school bus yellow (big bunches of herbs
and red peppers hanging on the walls) because outside it's going to be
monochrome for months -- grey sky, brown grass, sleet, pavement.
The same way hens can be fooled into laying eggs by a light bulb on a
timer -- (their instinct shuts off egg laying when the days get shorter)
-- and the same way Tyler's anole lizard has to bask in a full spectrum
bulb every day to make the B vitamins he needs to survive -- i think our
bodies have an agenda of their own. In tens of thousands of years of
human existence without alarm clocks, flourescent lights, bananas in
January (or in North America for that matter) -- we once managed to tune
our instincts to day length & natural rhythms.
Maybe a bit of worry was a GOOD thing for early cultures, who knew the
old, weak and newborn wouldn't survive winter unless some serious
preparations were made.. and maybe even if they were. I often wonder how
many or our ignored instincts -- the ones no longer relevant, or drowned
out by the yammering of modern culture -- are the source of our
emotions.
I wouldn't trade this world for life before refrigeration, antibiotics,
this computer, and the occasional pint of Ben and Jerry's Ice cream...
and I know my primal philosophy has kept me a little out of step. I have
no regrets about "primal parenting" but I am embarrassed to admit that I
went into full scale survival mode over Y2K, canning and stashing and
stacking a mile high woodpile, stocking up on red beans and shotgun
shells, determined to feed, clothe and protect my little ones come hell
or high water. My most vivid memory of the turn of the millenium was a
12:15 phone call from an equally "prepared" friend (mother of 8) saying,
"Got any idea what I can do with 17 cases of canned tuna?
Anyway, around here winter sucks, and like labor/childbirth, you forget
how bad until you're headed for the next one. Winter means I can't sit
at the wheel on the deck while the kids play... can't go to the studio
in the back yard unless somebody can come watch the kids... trapped
inside until May with three very active kids homeschooling in a very
small house... kids who are suddenly unable to bang out the screen door
barefoot to run wild in the grass.
(I hate to think of it: every trip to the store or venture outdoors ...
six little mittens, six thick socks, six pairs of boots, three pairs of
snow pants, three scarves, three hats, three zippered parkas... for ten
minutes outside, just long enough to track in mud and take off all that
gear... now wet... ) I love homeschooling but by mid january there are
days I would like to flag down the first bus that passes my house...
"take them! Please!"
Ah well. I believe like the Buddha that suffering is the universal human
experience... the challenge is to accept it and move forward, make
something beautiful, rise above it. So we get through it. This winter
the icicles will sparkle off the eaves, and we'll bake and make stews
and paint and stoke the fire... You can have it all, just not all at
once...
Yours, Kelly in Ohio... who has posted most of her stupid moments...
like the time I encased my hubby's bearded face in plaster... out I go
to cover the basil against the inevitable, no more able to change the
course of seasons than I am to stop the march of events toward war...
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Marianne Lombardo on tue 15 oct 02
Kelly,
The way you feel about winter is exactly the way I feel about it. We just
had our Thanksgiving dinner yesterday, and this morning there is a hard
frost all over the ground. It gets dark too early now, and it's dark when I
wake up in the morning. Too depressing.
I painted my kitchen a nice soft yellow a couple of winters ago, and find it
helps. Filled it with hanging plants, and now it is getting filled with
pots as well. The kitchen is the most lived-in space in our home. I've
never tried those full spectrum lights, but it sounds like they may be worth
trying. If they fit fluorescent fixtures, maybe I'll try putting some over
my potter's wheel.
Marianne Lombardo
Omemee, Ontario, Canada
email: mlombardo@nexicom.net
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