Flo Fahrenheit on wed 5 may 04
Sorry this is so long - spare yourself by reading it in little chunks! I
didn't do any editing, so hope it makes sense!
Flo
June 8 - 14, 2000
Well, I've done just about everything I can do this morning to put off
writing this letter, including staring at a lit candle for 2 minutes, then
closing my eyes and trying to keep the image of the burning flame from
disappearing (which you can still see even though you have your eyes
closed), then I are an assortment of cookies with milk which arrived as part
of a cookie-gram from friends in Santa Cruz who know my weakness for
cookies.
Thanks to everyone for showering me (and Larry) with so much love, support,
kindness, prayers, plants, dinners, pies, breads, housework, gardening,
beads, champagne, tiles, flowers, books, gifts, cards, e-mails, calls and
companionship. Any insecurities I had about whether people liked me have
truly been put to rest. And the fact that y'all showed such love for me even
though I really never got a "career-thing" together is making a really big
impact on me too.
Well, the prize (my new boobies) has turned out to be pretty darn cool, and
they get a little bit bigger each week when I visit the doctor and he
injects a little more saline solution through the ports buried beneath my
skin on the sides of the implants. The port feels about the size of a
quarter. It has a membrane on the front that a hypodermic needle passes
through, and it has a metal back that stops the needle from poking all the
way through. These will eventually be removed. One time a port was difficult
to find, so the doctor used the equivalent of a carpenter's stud finder to
locate it!!! While I'm fascinated by the design of this device, feeling the
port under my skin kind of creeps me out! Getting filled is pretty darn
weird. Remember that the implants are under the chest muscle, so not only is
it stretching skin, but the muscle has to give too. The first visit I
thought for sure my ribs might collapse! The skin is so tight I could bounce
super balls off my chest, and I felt like an bug pinned down in an insect
collection.
During the initial surgery they injected about 100cc in each side, then
about 3 weeks later I got another 80cc, the next week 50cc more, the next
week 25cc more, and I think the max is 430cc. That's a little over 1 3/4
cups of water in each side. (1 fluid Oz = 30cc, so 8 oz to a cup = 240cc).
If you guys want to see what this is like, just put that much water in a
couple of baggies and stick them in your shirt pockets.
I'm so proud of my new "girls", whom I have named Jodie (my right) and
Babbette (my left). I've been showing them off to just about everybody. This
is part of my community education program--people need to know what's
possible! And anyway, it's just skin! One day I cut circles out of glow-in-
the-dark bandaids and stuck them on for nipples. Conveniently the bandaids
had words printed on them. So I flashed "Awesome" and "Wow" all day.
One of the things I hadn't planned on ahead of time however, is that now my
stomach sticks out quite a bit farther than my prize...So last visit I asked
the Doc how much a tummy tuck would cost. He said, depending on the extent
of the area that needs tucking, (below the waist only, or all the way up to
under the breasts) it could be done "out-patient" for about $4,800 and in
the event you need the full treatment and have to stay 2 nights in the
hospital about $10,000. So I'm actually wondering if this might be something
I might want to pursue someday. HOWEVER, I want to make it perfectly clear
to the universe, and you all are my witnesses, that IF if decide I want
this, I am more than willing to PAY FULL PRICE. I do not want the universe
sending me any more reasons for insurance-paid surgeries! Larry thinks I'm a
little nuts for even considering going under the knife for something I could
fix with diet and exercise. And frankly, for someone who ONLY shops the
sales racks, I'm a little shocked at myself for thinking about spending that
kind of money on something I couldn't take back within 90 days if I decided
I didn't like it. But think about it--isn't a flat tummy just a little bit
tempting?
I actually think that my new (above the waist) profile makes me look
younger. And I've discovered that I have to shorten most of my necklaces
because now that my cleavage is a few inches higher they just don't hang
right.
I was up and walking around the same day as the surgery, but the doctor
insisted that I keep my arms at my sides for several weeks so that I didn't
stress the stitches that he so skillfully hid inside the incisions with that
dissolving kind of thread. So I have been running around for the last 3
weeks with my elbows pasted to my sides like a tyranosaurus rex. And I think
I've discovered the relationship between soccer and that Celtic step dancing
where they never move their arms. Both were invented by people who had
undergone breast surgery! Also, have you tried to get up off the couch
without using your hands to push off? I discovered that if you scoot to the
edge of the couch, turn both feet to the left and do a kind of reverse
gen-u-flect (that kind of curtsy that catholics do) you can get up without
pulling any muscles. Early on I was able to pull weeds - my favorite
gardening activity, so I was at least able to be out along side of Larry as
he turns our 3 acres into a fantasy land of flowers and vegies. In
Sacramento, my pet peeve was dandelions, I have abandoned those for fox
tales and wild sweetpeas (when they grow in the wrong area). The soil is
loose so the weeds com out easily. I much prefer to pull weeds than plant,
it's a clear-cut task, like washing dishes. You don't have to think anything
up, you just start with a mess and you know when it's tidied up. The miracle
of life sure is fun to watch as seeds sprout up from the ground and
literally grow inches over night.
An un-romantic side-effect of this surgery is that I was advised to sleep on
my back. Something I have never done before. Naturally, the couch is the
most comfortable place to do this. In the past Larry has eluded to the fact
that I snore every once in a while, and he could quiet me with a light
nudge, but now I snore so loud that he can't even hear the TV. So he's
threatening to turn the volume up loud enough to drown me out!
The artist in me has been saving various medical materials from this
experience to use in future art pieces. I saved some of my blood for
painting, and I am collecting my tears in a vial that I bought at the
perfume store. Larry said all I need now is some sweat, and I'll have blood
sweat and tears. I asked if I could have my nipples to keep as a souvenir
but they said no. Because they were also breast tissue they had to be
included in the package with the rest of my flesh which was shipped of to
North Carolina where it was sliced into little bits and looked at closely
under a microscope. I imagine that the license plate in NC read "No Carolina
- the Biopsy state"
Larry has been an angel, waiting on me hand and foot, and driving me all
over the place and cooking and cleaning and giving me kind words of
encouragement and never complaining. So in order to give him a little rest
and to demonstrate a little independence on my part I've gotten very good a
reaching things in the cupboards by standing on a step ladder and grabbing
at things with salad tongs. I even mopped the kitchen floor one day by
skating around barefoot on a couple of wet wet rags.
I am pleased to say that I am still doing GREAT both emotionally and
physically and am so amazed at what a miracle the body is...how it can
repair itself so quickly after giving up a big chunk of itself, and how it
is more than willing to imitate its previous self with a little nudging from
a plastic surgeon. Somehow I have continued to remain really positive about
this really weird experience I've been through, which of course is
reinforced by my positive pathology report saying there was no lymph node
involvement. Since I have never felt sick during this whole episode, I've
been thinking that it's a damn good thing that my lump was somewhere I could
feel it, because otherwise I'd be thinking that those doctors were just
drumming up some business for themselves. And Now that I have had my surgery
I truly believe that I no longer have cancer. The doctor said that some
women would choose to stop here and consider themselves cured. His
statistics said, however, that at this point there could be about a 20%
chance of recurance, and if I did the intravenous chemo it would bring it
down to about 13%, and if I also take tamoxifen for 5 years, it brings it
down to less than 10%. So, to be on the safe side I am still going through
with the chemotherapy, which I started on Tuesday, June 6th at 9:30 AM. And
when that is over, I'll start taking the pill tamoxafen (which is getting
really good press these days) daily for 5 years. I'm not crazy about the
menopause-like side effects from the tamoxifen, but hopefully they'll find
that the antidote against the side effects, which is now being studied, is
successful, and they'll put it on the market just in time to spare me.
In the past I had observed people receiving Chemo, and felt really nervous
about having to sit for an hour while a whole bag of poison dripped into my
body. As it turned out, my particular dose of chemo was administered into
that intravenous contraption via a hypodermic needle over the period of only
one minute. And much to my surprise, that hanging bag of liquid emptying
into my arm turned out to be saline soulution (the very same stuff they're
putting in my implants, and the same stuff as eye drops for contact lens
wearers) which they used to hydrate the body and move the medicine into the
blood stream after the injection. After the 250 ml bag (about 1 cup) of
saline trickled in, they injected the second hypodermic of chemo and I was
done. The whole procedure took about 1 hr 15 min. I'm curious what level of
dosage I am getting, low, medium or high, but in a way I don't want to know.
As I said in my last letter, it is going to turn out how it turns out, so
why give my creative imagination something to worry about?
They are giving me 2 kinds, the first is called Methotrexate and the other
is called 5-FU. My schedule is day 1, day 8, day 28 (or Tuesday, Tuesday,
skip two weeks) for 6 cycles. That means I'll finish around the end of
October. It seems kind of like when you flea-bomb your house, you do it
once, then wait until the next batch of eggs hatches, then bomb again. The
waiting 2 weeks is to let the white blood cells and platelets build
themselves up again.
I've been a little up tight about the inconvenience I have to go through for
the next 6 months, it's been feeling a bit like I'll be under house arrest,
although I can certainly leave the house! Because the chemo can temporarily
lower the number of white blood cells which fight infection, and lower the
number of platelets which cause the blood to clot, I have to be careful
about getting exposed to people with infections or illnesses like colds or
flu (glad it is summer time). And I can't get any immunizations because of
risk of getting the disease, also I shouldn't be around anyone who has
gotten an oral polio vaccine due to the risk of catching the disease from
them. Also I have to avoid exposure to the sun. And I have to give up
drinking alcohol. What will I do at happy hour without my glass of
chardonay? I guess I'll save lots of money! This is for the 6 months of
chemo for sure, but I also think I read somewhere that when you take
temoxafen for the 5 years, you can't drink with that either. BOOOOO-HOOOOO.
I tell you it's the taste, and the ritual, not the high that I miss. Honest!
The great news is that the doctor said I will not lose my hair (which is
good because I have a big lump on the left side and a flat spot in the back
of my head). My hair seems such a strong part of my identity, losing it
seems like it could be more traumatic than losing my breasts. There's also a
great medicine to prevent nausea they use so I won't get sick to my stomach
like in the olden days. 24 hours after the injection of methotrexate I have
to take this high-dose vitamin called Leucovorin which stops the action of
the chemo. It's 6 pills every 6 hours 6 times. And I had to wake up at 4 AM
to take one of the sets (which means both Larry and I were awake from about
2 AM because we were afraid we wouldn't hear the alarm clock when it went
off). 6X6X6=216 wonder what that number means in numerology.
To boost my immune system I am getting acupuncture and taking Chinese herbs
specifically designed for "Chemo-support". I'm still doing regular
visualization-meditation tapes. In them you are guided to imagine yourself
in a place you like to be, and then to picture your immune system attacking
and killing cancer cells and flushing them out of your body. Once I noticed
a whole day had gone by without my intentionally activating my immune system
to go out on patrols, so I decided to set my watch so it beeps on the hour,
and then I, and anyone who happens to be around, get to visualize our immune
systems working at peek performance eliminating cancer cells from our
bodies. My friend Karen who started doing this, suggested also thanking our
immune systems for doing a good job.
In reading Simonton's book, I learned that the kind or quality of the
symbols we use in visualization to represent our immune system and the
cancer is really important. The cancer must be viewed as weak, confused,
misshapen, disorganized (all these are true characteristics of cancer) and
some dull color like maybe gray or the color of canned peas. Whereas the
immune system should be viewed as strong and powerful and vibrant.
After thinking and thinking about this beautiful place I'd like to be, I
realized that our in our garden was the perfect spot for me. So that's
where I go mentally in my meditation. Occasionally I'll add in some ocean
waves, or imagine the Yuba River crossing the property. Then, once I'm all
relaxed I call on Xena, Warrior Princess (you know the voluptuous
long-haired one on TV with the the provocative outfits) to patrol all my
organs and other systems. She drives a purple jeep convertible and has all
those great weapons and magical-physical capabilities. She also commands
thousands and thousands of white blood cells, some of which take the form of
piranhas which she can unleash on anything undesirable she discovers. I
also heard that cat fish never sleep, so I visualize several of them
constantly patrolling my body destroying any unwanted rif-raf. After any
found or suspected cancer cells are killed, you are suppose to visualize
your own body's natural pee-and-poop systems eliminating the dead cancer
skeletons. (This is why it is sooooo important to drink lots of fluids and
eat lots of roughage.) At first I was letting Xena do all the work, (and
have all the fun) but lately I've noticed in my visualization that it's me,
wearing Xena's outfits, commanding the troops!
I hope this isn't way more information than you wanted to hear. I guess I
just want people to know what it's been like to face the decisions and
physical and emotional changes and challenges I've been through. I know some
of you have sent my first letter off to people I don't even know, and that
is great. Any help that my experience can be to others is wonderful. Breast
cancer is a scary thing to face, and I'm so appreciative of others who
shared info with me. Well enough said for now!
Lots of Love,
Flo, Larry, Jodie and Babbette
PPSS -- Lately I've had a yearning to hear the recorded poems of Rod McEwen.
If anyone will own up to actually having him in your record collection and
can make me a tape, I'd appreciate it so much! I'm sure this is just some
Jungian desire to recapture my innocence.
Flo
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