Edouard Bastarache Inc. on wed 27 sep 06
If you can read this whole story without
laughing, then there's no hope for
you. I was crying by the end. Apparently, this is
an actual account as
relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in
Texas.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If
you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge
is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you
know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the
time Halloween comes around.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at
the San Antonio City Park.
Judge ..3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named
Frank, who was visiting
from Springfield, IL.*/
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as
a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at
the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's
table, asking for directions to
the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I
was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be
all that spicy; and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer
during the tasting, so I
accepted and became Judge 3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI .. 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge .. 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
Amusing kick.
Judge .. 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very
mild.
Judge .. 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the **** is
this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me
two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans
are crazy.
CHILI .. 2 - ARIAL AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge .. 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.
Judge .. 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more
peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge .. 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of
children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off
two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush
in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.
CHILI .. 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN
CHILI...
Judge .. 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great
kick.
Judge .. 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge .. 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a
uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded
me on the back, and now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting @!&&-faced from all
of the beer.
CHILI .. 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge .. 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no
spice. Disappointing.
Judge .. 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans.
Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge .. 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the beer maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300
lb.
woman is starting to look HOT...just like this
nuclear waste I'm eating!
Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI .. 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge .. 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne
peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge .. 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could
use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge .. 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is
pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four
people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I
told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue
from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off.
It really ticks me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming.
Screw them.
CHILI .. 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge .. 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety
chili. Good balance of spices
and peppers.
Judge .. 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb
Judge .. 3 -- My intestines are now a straight
pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I
farted, and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to
stand behind me except that
Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI .. 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge .. 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much
reliance on canned peppers.
Judge .. 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef
literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take
note that I am worried
about Judge .. 3. He appears to be in a bit of
distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge .. 3 -- You could put a grenade in my
mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one
eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava to match my shirt. At
least during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If
I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI .. 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge .. 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice
blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge .. 2 -- This final entry is a good,
balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when
Judge ..3 farted, passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on
top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller,
wonder how he'd have reacted
to really hot chili?
Judge .. 3 - No Report.
Edouard Bastarache
Le Français Volant
The Flying Frenchman
Sorel-Tracy
Quebec
edouardb@sorel-tracy.qc.ca
www.sorel-tracy.qc.ca/~edouardb/Welcome.html
http://perso.wanadoo.fr/smart2000/index.htm
http://www.pshcanada.com/Toxicology.htm
http://www.flickr.com/photos/30058682@N00/
http://thepottersshop.blogspot.com/
Overall's on thu 28 sep 06
I'M STILL LAUGHING SO HARD MY EYES ARE WATERING MAKING
IT HARD TO TYPE!
Kim in Houston TEXAS!
and yes,
we love our chili hot in the south
not for women, kids or little sissies.
--- "Edouard Bastarache Inc."
wrote:
> If you can read this whole story without
> laughing, then there's no hope for
> you. I was crying by the end. Apparently, this is
> an actual account as
> relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in
> Texas.
>
> Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If
> you pay attention to the
> first two judges, the reaction of the third judge
> is even better.
>
> For those of you who have lived in Texas, you
> know how true this is.
>
> They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the
> time Halloween comes around.
> It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at
> the San Antonio City Park.
>
> Judge ..3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named
> Frank, who was visiting
> from Springfield, IL.*/
>
> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as
> a judge at a chili
> cook-off. The original person called in sick at
> the last moment and I
> happened to be standing there at the judge's
> table, asking for directions to
> the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I
> was assured by the other two
> judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be
> all that spicy; and,
> besides, they told me I could have free beer
> during the tasting, so I
> accepted and became Judge 3."
>
>
>
> Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
>
> CHILI .. 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
>
> Judge .. 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
> Amusing kick.
>
> Judge .. 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very
> mild.
>
> Judge .. 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the **** is
> this stuff? You could
> remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me
> two beers to put the flames
> out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans
> are crazy.
>
>
>
> CHILI .. 2 - ARIAL AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
>
> Judge .. 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
> jalapeno tang.
>
> Judge .. 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more
> peppers to be taken seriously.
>
> Judge .. 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of
> children. I'm not sure what I'm
> supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off
> two people who wanted to
> give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush
> in more beer when they saw
> the look on my face.
>
>
> CHILI .. 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN
> CHILI...
>
> Judge .. 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great
> kick.
>
> Judge .. 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
>
> Judge .. 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a
> uranium spill. My nose feels like
> I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
> routine by now.
>
> Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded
> me on the back, and now my
> backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
> getting @!&&-faced from all
> of the beer.
>
>
> CHILI .. 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
>
> Judge .. 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no
> spice. Disappointing.
>
> Judge .. 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans.
> Good side dish for fish or
> other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>
> Judge .. 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
> tongue, but was unable to
> taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
> Sally, the beer maid, was
> standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300
> lb.
>
> woman is starting to look HOT...just like this
> nuclear waste I'm eating!
>
> Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>
>
> CHILI .. 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
>
> Judge .. 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne
> peppers freshly ground, adding
> considerable kick. Very impressive.
>
> Judge .. 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could
> use more tomato. Must admit
> the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>
> Judge .. 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is
> pouring off my forehead and I
> can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four
> people behind me needed
> paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I
> told her that her chili
> had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue
> from bleeding by pouring
> beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
> I'm burning my lips off.
> It really ticks me off that the other judges
> asked me to stop screaming.
> Screw them.
>
>
> CHILI .. 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
>
> Judge .. 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety
> chili. Good balance of spices
> and peppers.
>
> Judge .. 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of
> peppers, onions, and garlic.
> Superb
>
> Judge .. 3 -- My intestines are now a straight
> pipe filled with gaseous,
> sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I
> farted, and I'm worried it will
> eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to
> stand behind me except that
> Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
> my butt with a snow cone.
>
>
> CHILI .. 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
>
> Judge .. 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much
> reliance on canned peppers.
>
> Judge .. 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef
> literally threw in a can of
> chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take
> note that I am worried
> about Judge .. 3. He appears to be in a bit of
> distress as he is cursing
> uncontrollably.
>
> Judge .. 3 -- You could put a grenade in my
> mouth, pull the pin, and I
> wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one
> eye, and the world sounds like
> it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
> with chili, which slid
> unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
> lava to match my shirt. At
> least during the autopsy, they'll know what
> killed me. I've decided to stop
> breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
> getting any oxygen anyway. If
> I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
> 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
>
>
> CHILI .. 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
>
> Judge .. 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice
> blend chili. Not too bold
> but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>
> Judge .. 2 -- This final entry is a good,
> balanced chili. Neither mild nor
> hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when
> Judge ..3 farted, passed
> out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on
> top of himself.
>
> Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller,
> wonder how he'd have reacted
> to really hot chili?
>
> Judge .. 3 - No Report.
>
>
>
>
> Edouard Bastarache
> Le Français Volant
> The Flying Frenchman
>
> Sorel-Tracy
> Quebec
> edouardb@sorel-tracy.qc.ca
> www.sorel-tracy.qc.ca/~edouardb/Welcome.html
> http://perso.wanadoo.fr/smart2000/index.htm
> http://www.pshcanada.com/Toxicology.htm
> http://www.flickr.com/photos/30058682@N00/
> http://thepottersshop.blogspot.com/
>
>
______________________________________________________________________________
> Send postings to clayart@lsv.ceramics.org
>
> You may look at the archives for the list or change
> your subscription
> settings from http://www.ceramics.org/clayart/
>
> Moderator of the list is Mel Jacobson who may be
> reached at melpots@pclink.com.
>
Kim Overall
http://www.houstonpotters.com
logan johnson on thu 28 sep 06
Edouard,
If you're not carefull clayart members are going to demand you do a stand up routine at NCECA . You might want to start putting your act together.
______________________________________________________________________________
Send postings to clayart@lsv.ceramics.org
You may look at the archives for the list or change your subscription
settings from http://www.ceramics.org/clayart/
Moderator of the list is Mel Jacobson who may be reached at melpots@pclink.com.
Logan Johnson
Yakima Valley Pottery & Supply
719 W Nob Hill Blvd. Ste C
Yakima, WA 98902
509.469.6966
www.audeostudios.com
"Carpe Argillam!!"
Gary Harvey on thu 28 sep 06
I couldn't stop laughing. We Texans do like our spices. I even make a
(un)official Texas Chili mug. Love this. Gary Harvey, Palestine TX
----- Original Message -----
From: "Overall's"
To:
Sent: Thursday, September 28, 2006 7:02 AM
Subject: Re: Fw: Texas Chilli Judge #3
> I'M STILL LAUGHING SO HARD MY EYES ARE WATERING MAKING
> IT HARD TO TYPE!
>
> Kim in Houston TEXAS!
> and yes,
> we love our chili hot in the south
> not for women, kids or little sissies.
>
> --- "Edouard Bastarache Inc."
> wrote:
>
>> If you can read this whole story without
>> laughing, then there's no hope for
>> you. I was crying by the end. Apparently, this is
>> an actual account as
>> relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in
>> Texas.
>>
>> Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If
>> you pay attention to the
>> first two judges, the reaction of the third judge
>> is even better.
>>
>> For those of you who have lived in Texas, you
>> know how true this is.
>>
>> They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the
>> time Halloween comes around.
>> It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at
>> the San Antonio City Park.
>>
>> Judge ..3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named
>> Frank, who was visiting
>> from Springfield, IL.*/
>>
>> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as
>> a judge at a chili
>> cook-off. The original person called in sick at
>> the last moment and I
>> happened to be standing there at the judge's
>> table, asking for directions to
>> the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I
>> was assured by the other two
>> judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be
>> all that spicy; and,
>> besides, they told me I could have free beer
>> during the tasting, so I
>> accepted and became Judge 3."
>>
>>
>>
>> Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
>>
>> CHILI .. 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
>>
>> Judge .. 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
>> Amusing kick.
>>
>> Judge .. 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very
>> mild.
>>
>> Judge .. 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the **** is
>> this stuff? You could
>> remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me
>> two beers to put the flames
>> out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans
>> are crazy.
>>
>>
>>
>> CHILI .. 2 - ARIAL AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
>>
>> Judge .. 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
>> jalapeno tang.
>>
>> Judge .. 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more
>> peppers to be taken seriously.
>>
>> Judge .. 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of
>> children. I'm not sure what I'm
>> supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off
>> two people who wanted to
>> give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush
>> in more beer when they saw
>> the look on my face.
>>
>>
>> CHILI .. 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN
>> CHILI...
>>
>> Judge .. 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great
>> kick.
>>
>> Judge .. 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
>>
>> Judge .. 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a
>> uranium spill. My nose feels like
>> I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
>> routine by now.
>>
>> Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded
>> me on the back, and now my
>> backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
>> getting @!&&-faced from all
>> of the beer.
>>
>>
>> CHILI .. 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
>>
>> Judge .. 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no
>> spice. Disappointing.
>>
>> Judge .. 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans.
>> Good side dish for fish or
>> other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>>
>> Judge .. 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
>> tongue, but was unable to
>> taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
>> Sally, the beer maid, was
>> standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300
>> lb.
>>
>> woman is starting to look HOT...just like this
>> nuclear waste I'm eating!
>>
>> Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>>
>>
>> CHILI .. 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
>>
>> Judge .. 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne
>> peppers freshly ground, adding
>> considerable kick. Very impressive.
>>
>> Judge .. 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could
>> use more tomato. Must admit
>> the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>>
>> Judge .. 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is
>> pouring off my forehead and I
>> can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four
>> people behind me needed
>> paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I
>> told her that her chili
>> had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue
>> from bleeding by pouring
>> beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
>> I'm burning my lips off.
>> It really ticks me off that the other judges
>> asked me to stop screaming.
>> Screw them.
>>
>>
>> CHILI .. 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
>>
>> Judge .. 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety
>> chili. Good balance of spices
>> and peppers.
>>
>> Judge .. 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of
>> peppers, onions, and garlic.
>> Superb
>>
>> Judge .. 3 -- My intestines are now a straight
>> pipe filled with gaseous,
>> sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I
>> farted, and I'm worried it will
>> eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to
>> stand behind me except that
>> Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
>> my butt with a snow cone.
>>
>>
>> CHILI .. 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
>>
>> Judge .. 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much
>> reliance on canned peppers.
>>
>> Judge .. 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef
>> literally threw in a can of
>> chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take
>> note that I am worried
>> about Judge .. 3. He appears to be in a bit of
>> distress as he is cursing
>> uncontrollably.
>>
>> Judge .. 3 -- You could put a grenade in my
>> mouth, pull the pin, and I
>> wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one
>> eye, and the world sounds like
>> it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
>> with chili, which slid
>> unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
>> lava to match my shirt. At
>> least during the autopsy, they'll know what
>> killed me. I've decided to stop
>> breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
>> getting any oxygen anyway. If
>> I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
>> 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>>
>>
>>
>> CHILI .. 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
>>
>> Judge .. 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice
>> blend chili. Not too bold
>> but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>>
>> Judge .. 2 -- This final entry is a good,
>> balanced chili. Neither mild nor
>> hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when
>> Judge ..3 farted, passed
>> out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on
>> top of himself.
>>
>> Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller,
>> wonder how he'd have reacted
>> to really hot chili?
>>
>> Judge .. 3 - No Report.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Edouard Bastarache
>> Le Français Volant
>> The Flying Frenchman
>>
>> Sorel-Tracy
>> Quebec
>> edouardb@sorel-tracy.qc.ca
>> www.sorel-tracy.qc.ca/~edouardb/Welcome.html
>> http://perso.wanadoo.fr/smart2000/index.htm
>> http://www.pshcanada.com/Toxicology.htm
>> http://www.flickr.com/photos/30058682@N00/
>> http://thepottersshop.blogspot.com/
>>
>>
> ______________________________________________________________________________
>> Send postings to clayart@lsv.ceramics.org
>>
>> You may look at the archives for the list or change
>> your subscription
>> settings from http://www.ceramics.org/clayart/
>>
>> Moderator of the list is Mel Jacobson who may be
>> reached at melpots@pclink.com.
>>
>
>
> Kim Overall
> http://www.houstonpotters.com
>
> ______________________________________________________________________________
> Send postings to clayart@lsv.ceramics.org
>
> You may look at the archives for the list or change your subscription
> settings from http://www.ceramics.org/clayart/
>
> Moderator of the list is Mel Jacobson who may be reached at
> melpots@pclink.com.
>
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