Craig Clark on wed 27 sep 06
Edouard, I'm having difficulty typing because I'm still laughing so
hard. Ended up spitting a big sip of water all over screen and key
board.......I laughed until I cried and started again. I was having
difficulty breathing at one point. To top it off it's getting pretty
late and I'm trying not to wake up the kids with my snorts. You hit upon
one of the gems of Texas Lore.
Thanx for the laugh
Craig Dunn Clark
619 East 11 1/2 St
Houston, Texas 77008
(713)861-2083
mudman@hal-pc.org
Edouard Bastarache Inc. wrote:
> If you can read this whole story without
> laughing, then there's no hope for
> you. I was crying by the end. Apparently, this is
> an actual account as
> relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in
> Texas.
>
> Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If
> you pay attention to the
> first two judges, the reaction of the third judge
> is even better.
>
> For those of you who have lived in Texas, you
> know how true this is.
>
> They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the
> time Halloween comes around.
> It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at
> the San Antonio City Park.
>
> Judge ..3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named
> Frank, who was visiting
> from Springfield, IL.*/
>
> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as
> a judge at a chili
> cook-off. The original person called in sick at
> the last moment and I
> happened to be standing there at the judge's
> table, asking for directions to
> the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I
> was assured by the other two
> judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be
> all that spicy; and,
> besides, they told me I could have free beer
> during the tasting, so I
> accepted and became Judge 3."
>
>
>
> Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
>
> CHILI .. 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
>
> Judge .. 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
> Amusing kick.
>
> Judge .. 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very
> mild.
>
> Judge .. 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the **** is
> this stuff? You could
> remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me
> two beers to put the flames
> out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans
> are crazy.
>
>
>
> CHILI .. 2 - ARIAL AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
>
> Judge .. 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
> jalapeno tang.
>
> Judge .. 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more
> peppers to be taken seriously.
>
> Judge .. 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of
> children. I'm not sure what I'm
> supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off
> two people who wanted to
> give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush
> in more beer when they saw
> the look on my face.
>
>
> CHILI .. 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN
> CHILI...
>
> Judge .. 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great
> kick.
>
> Judge .. 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
>
> Judge .. 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a
> uranium spill. My nose feels like
> I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
> routine by now.
>
> Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded
> me on the back, and now my
> backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
> getting @!&&-faced from all
> of the beer.
>
>
> CHILI .. 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
>
> Judge .. 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no
> spice. Disappointing.
>
> Judge .. 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans.
> Good side dish for fish or
> other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>
> Judge .. 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
> tongue, but was unable to
> taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
> Sally, the beer maid, was
> standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300
> lb.
>
> woman is starting to look HOT...just like this
> nuclear waste I'm eating!
>
> Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>
>
> CHILI .. 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
>
> Judge .. 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne
> peppers freshly ground, adding
> considerable kick. Very impressive.
>
> Judge .. 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could
> use more tomato. Must admit
> the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>
> Judge .. 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is
> pouring off my forehead and I
> can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four
> people behind me needed
> paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I
> told her that her chili
> had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue
> from bleeding by pouring
> beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
> I'm burning my lips off.
> It really ticks me off that the other judges
> asked me to stop screaming.
> Screw them.
>
>
> CHILI .. 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
>
> Judge .. 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety
> chili. Good balance of spices
> and peppers.
>
> Judge .. 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of
> peppers, onions, and garlic.
> Superb
>
> Judge .. 3 -- My intestines are now a straight
> pipe filled with gaseous,
> sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I
> farted, and I'm worried it will
> eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to
> stand behind me except that
> Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
> my butt with a snow cone.
>
>
> CHILI .. 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
>
> Judge .. 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much
> reliance on canned peppers.
>
> Judge .. 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef
> literally threw in a can of
> chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take
> note that I am worried
> about Judge .. 3. He appears to be in a bit of
> distress as he is cursing
> uncontrollably.
>
> Judge .. 3 -- You could put a grenade in my
> mouth, pull the pin, and I
> wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one
> eye, and the world sounds like
> it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
> with chili, which slid
> unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
> lava to match my shirt. At
> least during the autopsy, they'll know what
> killed me. I've decided to stop
> breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
> getting any oxygen anyway. If
> I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
> 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
>
>
> CHILI .. 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
>
> Judge .. 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice
> blend chili. Not too bold
> but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>
> Judge .. 2 -- This final entry is a good,
> balanced chili. Neither mild nor
> hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when
> Judge ..3 farted, passed
> out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on
> top of himself.
>
> Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller,
> wonder how he'd have reacted
> to really hot chili?
>
> Judge .. 3 - No Report.
>
>
>
>
> Edouard Bastarache
> Le Français Volant
> The Flying Frenchman
>
> Sorel-Tracy
> Quebec
> edouardb@sorel-tracy.qc.ca
> www.sorel-tracy.qc.ca/~edouardb/Welcome.html
> http://perso.wanadoo.fr/smart2000/index.htm
> http://www.pshcanada.com/Toxicology.htm
> http://www.flickr.com/photos/30058682@N00/
> http://thepottersshop.blogspot.com/
>
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